This post is going to be a little raw. About 2 weeks ago, my grandmother passed away. It's been very hard to describe the emotions I've been experiencing, but the easiest way to describe it is: dark.
If you saw me at all the past 2 weeks, you probably wouldn't even know that I had a death in the family. It's hard to admit this, but I have become really good at putting up walls to everyone when it comes to certain things in life. I bottle it all up because I want to seem strong, that I am put together, and know how to handle tough situations. But I've been lost these past 2 weeks. Internally, I know I am not the same person as I was before my grandmother's death.
I honestly really haven't had a conversation with my grandmother since I was about 18 years old. So anyone doing the math on that...that's almost 8 years. My grandfather passed away when I was 16, and after that, my grandmother moved to Arizona for a few years, then to Indiana, then was put into a nursing home. This was all carried out by my two uncles - who, let's just say, there's issues with them. I'm not going to write about all the family drama that has occurred (because, let's face it, everyone has family drama - so why do you want to hear about another family's), but let's juts say that it drove a wedge between family members. My relationship with my grandmother changed.
I went from a young age of loving and admiring my grandmother, to being confused about the situations she was in and how she was handling them as a mature adult, to pitying her for not handling situations properly, to anger for drifting apart, to sadness for her health, and then back to pity after another stroke which left her basically non-verbal and bed-ridden. Except that last feeling of pity was a loving-pity ... if that makes sense?
I love my grandmother, I really do. But certain circumstances forced me to say goodbye to her years ago. Which leads me to this very strange confusion and darkness I've felt the past 2 weeks.
I don't feel myself. I've been very good at masking my emotions from those closest to me out here in Arizona. But the truth is, I'm hurting more than I thought I would after my grandmother's death.
After having some days of just pure silence - no students - no friends - no family - just me on my summer break, laying in bed, thinking - I think I've finally found an answer to this "darkness" I've been feeling.
I don't want to end up like my grandmother.
Like I said, I love my grandmother. Despite all the negative feelings I had about family drama, I chose a long time ago to just remember and focus on the good memories I have of her when I was younger. The sleepovers with her and my grandpa - the dozens of desserts she would make - teaching me how to cook while I sat up on her counter top - running through the sprinkler in the backyard while she sat on the swing and took pictures of me. I love and cherish all of those memories.
But my grandmother was a stubborn woman. Once she held a grudge, it was near impossible to let it go. She had her way more times than not, and she made sure you knew exactly what she was thinking - good or bad.
Does this sound familiar? Yep, that's me. I've gotten better over the years at learning how to let grudges go, but there are still a few that I harbor deep inside. I love getting my way, and pout like a baby if I don't, and I always tell you what's on my mind.
My grandmother's death scares me. She died alone, in a nursing home, where (I'm beyond ashamed to admit) people really only visited her on major holidays - if we had time.
Death scares me enough as it is. This death just hit me so hard. I live alone. Sure, I have my friends here - but I'm young - none of us have kids or big families out here to keep us occupied from seeing each other. What if I'm stuck alone while everyone moves forward. What if I have a family, but I stay stubborn and end up alone in a nursing home too? What if I drive a wedge between the people I love with my grudges and quick tongue?
There are fundamental qualities about myself that I strive to change and better. And I hope that those qualities are that which I am most afraid of.
One song has been stuck in my head all week. It's a little annoying, but the lyrics are kind of helping me. "Carry On" by Fun. The line: "If you're lost and alone/Or you're sinking like a stone/Carry On/May your past be the sound/Of your feet upon the ground/Carry on."
Some how, I'm going to need to find a way out of this dark, emotional, sad, freaked-out state of mind that I've been in for 2 weeks. I will have to accept what I can't change, and pray to God that I can change enough to not end up like my grandmother. I know I'm strong enough to, but it's finding that courage to say that it's time for a change, that I need to find.
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