Honest Thinking...

I know this is 2 posts in one day, but I was feeling a little lost/bored and just started typing.

I got through about ... oh, I'll estimate ... 7 ginormous paragraphs. And I started thinking to myself: "This is too much. You can't post this. Everyone will think you have serious ADHD. There's too many thoughts going on here about moving, saddness, family, fear, blah blah blah...it just doesn't make sense. If I can't even write an effing blog about this, how am I actually supposed to DO all this when move time comes???"

And then I got this:

Text from 40404 (twitter): "@ShrineofStJude: God expects a lot of us, but He never expects that we do it alone."

Fear subsided. Somewhat. I'm only human. But I know I'll be okay. Sometimes I think that moving might be a huge mistake. And other times I think that this really is the path I'm meant to go down. No matter which one I am thinking every other day, I always get the anxiety in me that I'm doing this alone. Thanks to twitter (and St. Jude), I've been kindly reminded that I'm not doing it alone, nor will I ever have to.

xoxo

I love Tom

Yes, I said it. I love Tom. I'm finally admitting to my love affair. He is one of the greatest things that has happened to me lately. It's been a while since I've said "I love you" to a guy, but I knew that with Tom, it was love at first sight...or rather, love at first comfort.

Oh yeah, I'm talking about TOMS shoes. But you already knew that, right? ;)

I am obsessed with my new TOMS shoes. They are unbelievably comfy. I have them in black (as shown above), but need to get another color! AND not to forget, when you buy a pair of TOMS shoes, TOMS sends a pair of shoes to a child in need in a poverty-stricken country. So next time you need a good pair of comfy shoes, think about TOMS. Click the link to check out their website :)

Parent's Day

This past mother's day, I was in Colorado surprising my cousin for her graduation, and my brother was down at school studying for his last set of undergrad finals. So we really didn't get to properly celebrate with the family. With all four of us having full-time jobs now (well, Zach doesn't start his until tomorrow, but ever since he graduated, he's been making a wonderful living out of sleeping in and playing video games) we are just incredibly busy. Zach and I decided to plan a dual father's day/mother's day on father's day ... a.k.a. Parent's Day!

Now, both sides of my family - all of my great grandparents - haved lived in Chicago since before the 1920's. Chicago has been my family's home for over 100 years. How cool is it to be able to say that??? Although we are suburbanites, the city really is a place we call home. HOWEVER...that does not stop us from loving to do tourist-y things any chance we get!!

Chicago is abundantly filled with history, new things to do, crazy people to watch, awesome sports teams (minus the cubbies), some of the best restaurants in the country, and so many memories to be made. This "parent's day," we wanted to do something we've never done before. And something we'd probably only want to do once! So we decided to take...

...a segway tour!!!

So much fun! Definitely something I'm only going to do that once, but it was totally worth it to say I've done it. Zipping down the lake front, taking it all in - the scenery, the wind, the sun (thank you, rain, for holding off), driving in circles around each other, having people stare and point at you like you're nuts and not care about it because you'll never see them again...Best. Fathers. And. Mothers. Day. Ever.

Okay, so we're major dorks. I don't care one bit, because I couldn't help but think as I was watching other people around: we are a blessed family. There were families out that were fighting and bickering, there were people out that I didn't even see a dad around. Or a mom. I saw a dad with his 3 kids, and they all looked miserable on our tour - the dad wasn't wearing a wedding ring, and the kids looked bored out of their minds on their phones and iPods the whole time - this made me grateful for what I had, parents still together and my brother and I happy to spend time with them. I saw a woman in about her 40's with 2 daughters, and although they didn't look miserable, they also didn't look very happy.

Seriously, how blessed can I be? My little family was doing the dorkiest thing imaginable in the city, bright colored helmets to boot, and we were having a BLAST! No fighting, no rolling of the eyes, no nasty comments to each other or wishing we were somewhere else. In fact, I accidently left my cell phone at home and it didn't even phase me. I actually haven't even checked it since I've been home for an hour. Who cares, I've had a fabulous day with the people that mean the most to me, and they're under the same roof as I am right now!

My parents have been parents for almost 24 years now. And not a day goes by that I feel lucky to have them to call "mine." My parents are still together, and still love each other immensely.

Yes, I am insanely blessed. In more ways than I can count. Tonight, before I fall asleep, I'll be making sure I don't leave a "thanks" out of my prayers for my dad and his patience, understanding and support; for my mom and her love, care, and trust. I have amazing parents that take pictures like this when I ask them to:

Happy Father's Day to all pops out there, and Happy Belated Mother's Day to all the mamacitas :)

xoxo

Oh, the places you'll go...

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have my reasons. They're legit. I promise.  You see, I usually try to only post about either happy/exciting/new things, or real/adult/honest/appropriate things. The internet can be scary; I don't ever want to post something for everyone to see, just to make myself look like a total idiot. Who wants that kind of shame on themselves anyways??! Not me. But, the time has come for me to admit something: the reason I haven't posted in a while is because I really have been feeling like a total moron.

Today was a rough day. A lot of this past month has been filled with really rough days. On April 29, I had a skype interview with a middle school in Arizona. The interview went great, and at the very end, the principal and 2 vice principals hesitated, looked at each other and said "Jaclyn, we've never done this before, but we were so impressed with your interview, we would like to just go ahead and offer you the job right now. Would you accept?" ...

Stupid Jaclyn. Oh, stupid, stupid Jaclyn. Lesson #1 when offered a job: ask for a few days to consider it. Stupid me just blurts out "Of course! ... I feel honored that you would ask me so quickly, thank you for the opportunity, blah blah *more stupidness spurting out of my big fat mouth*"

A series of things started going through my head: what did I just do? I mean, this is great. I get an offer at the end of the interview because they just really liked me. A school actually WANTS me to teach their students! I'll finally get to teach and have my own classroom! But, it's in Arizona, away from family, about 20 miles from the Mexican border. It's a title 1 school. I've never been in a title 1 school before. It's middle school, not high school - which is my preference. I'd be uprooting my life here and starting over in a place that I don't know ANYbody. What if I hate it? What if something bad happens to me and my family can't get to me in time (or vice versa)? Where am I going to live? etc, etc, etc...

My mind was spinning so fast, thank God my mom was almost home from work because I broke down crying with a plethora of emotions. Yes, my word of the week is "plethora"!

And really, that's how my life has been since April 29. I've made the trip out to Arizona for a weekend with my mom to look at apartments, visit the school and meet the administrators and other teachers, and stake out the town. Can I envision myself living there for a year to get some experience teaching? Yes. Can I envision myself living there for the rest of my life? No. Am I excited for the opportunity God has given me, which I've been praying so hard for since graduating college? Yes. Am I terrified to leave my family, friends, and live in a place totally out of my comfort zone? Totally.

Every day has been different for me. One day I'm excited to have a teaching job. The next day I'm miserable that I'm leaving my family. Then the next day I'm excited for my super cute apartment that will be all my own! THEN 24 hours later, I'm bawling my eyes out about leaving Lincoln-Way and the life I've known and grew comfortable in.

No doubt, this is the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. And here's where my feeling of being a "moron" comes into play. When I confide in people about this, I usually get one of two answers/reactions:

1. Congratulations! You got a job, that's so exciting! I'm happy for you!
or
2. Yuma? Don't go there. Don't leave. Keep trying to find a job here in Illinois.

If only those two felt so simple. I wish I were one of those people that could see the answer staring me straight in the face. I wish I could just make my decision and stick with it and be happy (no matter what the decision is). But I can't. Instead, I'm a moron that's been making this "change" the biggest emotional rollercoaster ride I've ever been on. I wish I was simple. I really do.

I'm still applying to a few schools in the south suburbs. And a few in Phoenix and Denver. But after applying to over 350 schools (thank you, k12jobspot.com and your amazingly fast re-uploader for applications) nation-wide, I'm just worn out. I have an offer, it's not ideal, but it's a job. I'm going to be super emotional and weird about this whole thing until I'm actually down there, and I need to accept that. I can't let this keep me down, keep me from going out, keep me from enjoying my time here in Frankfort with my family and friends because I'm just too bummed to do anything, and because I'm terrified of goodbyes.

So, here I go. Negative/weird/awkward/stupid post out of the way. That's whats been going on in my life lately, and I just need to be honest about it and not shy away from sharing it with others. I am scared. Terrified.

However, my final thought on it all, which trumps all other thoughts: I have always wanted to go on adventures, and explore life to the fullest...so, if this is where life is taking me, then I will buck up and be excited for Yuma, and all the other places I'll go.

Plus, I think I could very easily get used to that warm Arizona sun and having an ultimate tan year-round ;)


xoxo





p.s. I promise some fun posts will be coming soon!