Oh, the places you'll go...

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have my reasons. They're legit. I promise.  You see, I usually try to only post about either happy/exciting/new things, or real/adult/honest/appropriate things. The internet can be scary; I don't ever want to post something for everyone to see, just to make myself look like a total idiot. Who wants that kind of shame on themselves anyways??! Not me. But, the time has come for me to admit something: the reason I haven't posted in a while is because I really have been feeling like a total moron.

Today was a rough day. A lot of this past month has been filled with really rough days. On April 29, I had a skype interview with a middle school in Arizona. The interview went great, and at the very end, the principal and 2 vice principals hesitated, looked at each other and said "Jaclyn, we've never done this before, but we were so impressed with your interview, we would like to just go ahead and offer you the job right now. Would you accept?" ...

Stupid Jaclyn. Oh, stupid, stupid Jaclyn. Lesson #1 when offered a job: ask for a few days to consider it. Stupid me just blurts out "Of course! ... I feel honored that you would ask me so quickly, thank you for the opportunity, blah blah *more stupidness spurting out of my big fat mouth*"

A series of things started going through my head: what did I just do? I mean, this is great. I get an offer at the end of the interview because they just really liked me. A school actually WANTS me to teach their students! I'll finally get to teach and have my own classroom! But, it's in Arizona, away from family, about 20 miles from the Mexican border. It's a title 1 school. I've never been in a title 1 school before. It's middle school, not high school - which is my preference. I'd be uprooting my life here and starting over in a place that I don't know ANYbody. What if I hate it? What if something bad happens to me and my family can't get to me in time (or vice versa)? Where am I going to live? etc, etc, etc...

My mind was spinning so fast, thank God my mom was almost home from work because I broke down crying with a plethora of emotions. Yes, my word of the week is "plethora"!

And really, that's how my life has been since April 29. I've made the trip out to Arizona for a weekend with my mom to look at apartments, visit the school and meet the administrators and other teachers, and stake out the town. Can I envision myself living there for a year to get some experience teaching? Yes. Can I envision myself living there for the rest of my life? No. Am I excited for the opportunity God has given me, which I've been praying so hard for since graduating college? Yes. Am I terrified to leave my family, friends, and live in a place totally out of my comfort zone? Totally.

Every day has been different for me. One day I'm excited to have a teaching job. The next day I'm miserable that I'm leaving my family. Then the next day I'm excited for my super cute apartment that will be all my own! THEN 24 hours later, I'm bawling my eyes out about leaving Lincoln-Way and the life I've known and grew comfortable in.

No doubt, this is the hardest decision I've ever made in my life. And here's where my feeling of being a "moron" comes into play. When I confide in people about this, I usually get one of two answers/reactions:

1. Congratulations! You got a job, that's so exciting! I'm happy for you!
or
2. Yuma? Don't go there. Don't leave. Keep trying to find a job here in Illinois.

If only those two felt so simple. I wish I were one of those people that could see the answer staring me straight in the face. I wish I could just make my decision and stick with it and be happy (no matter what the decision is). But I can't. Instead, I'm a moron that's been making this "change" the biggest emotional rollercoaster ride I've ever been on. I wish I was simple. I really do.

I'm still applying to a few schools in the south suburbs. And a few in Phoenix and Denver. But after applying to over 350 schools (thank you, k12jobspot.com and your amazingly fast re-uploader for applications) nation-wide, I'm just worn out. I have an offer, it's not ideal, but it's a job. I'm going to be super emotional and weird about this whole thing until I'm actually down there, and I need to accept that. I can't let this keep me down, keep me from going out, keep me from enjoying my time here in Frankfort with my family and friends because I'm just too bummed to do anything, and because I'm terrified of goodbyes.

So, here I go. Negative/weird/awkward/stupid post out of the way. That's whats been going on in my life lately, and I just need to be honest about it and not shy away from sharing it with others. I am scared. Terrified.

However, my final thought on it all, which trumps all other thoughts: I have always wanted to go on adventures, and explore life to the fullest...so, if this is where life is taking me, then I will buck up and be excited for Yuma, and all the other places I'll go.

Plus, I think I could very easily get used to that warm Arizona sun and having an ultimate tan year-round ;)


xoxo





p.s. I promise some fun posts will be coming soon!