Something Beautiful

All this "spring cleaning" and getting rid of the clutter within my "rut" lately, I've been so focused on the JUNK of it all. What kind of crap am I going to find that I just need to get rid of? What should I donate because I just don't love it anymore? Is this messiness ever going to end?!

I forgot to stop and think about all the really special things I just might find. Things that got tucked away for me to look at later, but I never found the time. Things that I stored away because I cherished it and life, sadly, somehow got in the way of treasuring it due to my horrible memory and consistent need to be on the go and look for the next best thing.

Today was a day of finding some really special "things." Some things that are truly too beautiful for me to have forgotten about, and have now found a new home out in the open for me to look at everyday. Among these things are a shoebox full of all the cards that my mom, dad, and brother wrote me (birthday, graduation, and the letters from when I moved away to college, telling me how much they'll miss me and how much I mean to them. TOTALLY got teary eyed reading them!), and a little toy my Grandpa Ace made for me (he was always tinkering around after retirement, and would make his own toys from scratch. I somehow managed to keep one after all these years. So special and one of a kind.)

But the most beautiful thing I found today while cleaning out my desk and underneath my bed, is a prayer. I don't remember where I got it from, but I know I've had it at least since the 5th grade (roughly 1997-1998).

"Lord, I want to love you, yet I'm not sure how.
I want to trust you, yet I'm afraid of being taken in.
I know I need you, yet I'm ashamed of the need.
I want to pray, yet I'm afraid of being a hypocrite.
I need my independence, yet I fear to be alone.
I want to belong, yet I must be myself.
Take me, Lord, yet leave me alone.

O Lord, I believe; help thou my unbelief.
O Lord, if you are there, you do understand, don't you?
Help me work it out in my own way, but don't let me go.
Let me understand myself, but don't despair.

Come unto me, O Lord, I want you there.
Lighten my darkness, but don't dazzle me.
Help me to see what I need to do, and give me the strength to do it.
O Lord, I believe; help thou unbelief."

There is no author or credit to this prayer, in fact, it was typed on computer paper. Simple white paper and black ink. A little worn and torn around the edges, and yet the words are brand new to me, just as they were over 14 years ago when I first recieved it (still trying to remember from who or where...hmm)

But isn't that prayer so true of us? I especially feel it is true of my own life lately: praying everyday for a job next year, but determined to do it on my own; knowing I need to trust God, but keeping my walls up for fear of being disappointed; feeling in my heart that God is really there, yet questioning the existence of the enormity of it all. The honesty of the prayer just spoke to me.

Feeling so overwhelmed lately, so stressed and anxious about my future career, while still dealing with my current job...I've forgotten about the truly beautiful things in life. And the most beautiful of them all: my delicate relationship with the big-guy.

Yes, something beautiful was found today. But it wasn't just the prayer :)

xoxo